Mary Louise Rider Fitzpatrick (July 8, 1946- March 17, 2012)

 Mom - When the pain isn't so great

 I will write more about why I loved you so much.

 But, please know that in my eyes you were an angel

 You were my mother and my best friend.

 

You sacrificed so much for us

And, you led by your actions more than your words

I promise to do my best to make you proud of me

And you will be truly missed.

Thank you

Thank you for everything.

I Love You More Than Words Can Say

A campus & school near and dear to my heart

 I spent some time on Georgetown's campus when my dad took us on a trip to D.C. when I was probably 10 or 11. I don't remember too much of our time here because it was so long ago, but I do remember that we walked around the campus. I remember that it sat on a hill and that some of its buildings were REALLY old! (It was established in 1789... so it's been around for a few years!) I also remember that it was spring and cherry blossom season. 

My dad attended Georgetown as an undergrad, and given my strong sentimental feelings towards BYU (where I did my undergrad), I imagine it's the same for him. There's just something amazing about where you first lived on your own... away from your parents...in a new city...with the rigors of academics... and friends from all over the country/world... and everything else that comes with being in college :)

I didn't realize then the special place this university would come to have in my heart many years later. 

For the past two years I have traveled over the Key Bridge to see the tall spires of some of Georgetown's older buildings. I've admired the beauty of the campus from afar (the road!), and admired those that are smart enough to go there :) I have kind of felt that this university was greeting me to the city each day as I drove to work.

Recently, however, I have been able to spend quite a bit of time on its campus simply because my mom is in it's hospital. Since I can only take the hospital scene in short 2 hour bursts, I have taken the opportunity to enjoy the recent spring weather and walk around the campus. Again, it's spring time, and that means the trees/flowers are in bloom, the weather is sunny and warm, and I have just been in awe of some of its buildings and the beauty of the campus in general.

 

More than anything, I have a special place in my heart for all the doctors, nurses, medical students, and university employees who have done their absolute best to care for my mom. I have come to get to know some of them quite well as I have spent hours here and words can't express my gratitude for their quality of care, as well as their compassion. No matter what happens with my mom, I will forever hold this university in my heart and have gratitude for its beauty, history, and academics (especially in medicine!).

My heart still cheers for the Cougars, but I think it's found room for Jack, the Bulldog (the current Jack is actually alive!), and the Hoyas as well!

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... stand a little taller."

Warning: This is not a happy post. If you're wanting to read something happy - Skip this! 

             I have tried to sit down and write this post every day this week, but I can never get through it, or I don’t like how it turned out so I start all over again.  
              This week has been one of the longest, and the hardest, of my life, and I have a feeling the hard part isn’t here yet.

              Over the past few months, my mom has increasingly succumed to an illness that is baffeling doctors, specialists and all of the science-related individuals she has met. It has been very difficult to watch her go through this. First, from a distance in the early stages while she was still in PA, and then from Virginia after we had her medically transported down here in late January. 

             However, I can only imagine how difficult it has been for my mom. She has not been in too much pain overall, but has slowly watched herself become similar to a quadrapalegic with severe liver problems over the course of five months or so.

             We had her medically transported a few miles from my brother and I so we could better manage her care. It has been heartrenching at times, but it has also been the sweetest, most tender experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything at other times.
             She has been in and out of more hospitals than I care to mention over the past few months, so when I got a call on Monday that she was most likely going to the hospital again, I didn't really think too much of it because they didn't make it seem too serious. However, when I got word a few hours later that she was in the ER at Georgetown and that she was VERY sick, I got nervous. Her vital signs were all going in the wrong directions and they didn't know the cause. They were definitey going to admit her and most likely to the ICU. It was about 11 at night. I thought about going to the ER, but the doctor reassured me that he would call if things got worse. He suggested I get sleep and come in the morning.
              Well, I didn't sleep a wink. I was afraid I wouldn't hear my phone ring and I was worried about her.
               I got up in the morning very tired, but the adrenaline kicked in and off I went to the ER. She was still there, but they had regulated her for the most part. 
              My mom was conscious, but very tired. She recognized me and felt relieved I was there. She asked me a couple of questions as best she could, but I just reassured her that I was there and the doctors would help her feel better. She would doze off every now and then. Once, when she woke up, she turned to me and with a scared, but serious expression, said that the night before she had felt like she was dying. She then asked me bluntly, “Am I dying?” Ugh. How do you reply to that. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I didn’t know really what was going on. I just simply told her, as I unsuccessfully tried to hold tears back from my eyes, that she wasn’t dead because she was there talking to me and that I would stay with her. 
              She felt reassured and dozed off again. As she rested I just stared at her with tubes and things coming out of her everywhere, beeps and noises going off from the machines, and the pale skin of my mom’s fragile body. I couldn’t help but weep with thousands of thoughts running through my head and prayers for comfort, peace and understanding from the Lord. 

             Just as I had gained control of my tears, the ER doctor came in to talk to me. He reminded me of one of my friend's dads from high school. Tall, skinny, dark hair, but also patient, gentle and supportive. However, it is his job to be honest and frank with me, and he was. My mom is, and was, very sick. There was a 50/50 chance the treatment would work, but the bigger problem was that they still didn’t know the underlying cause and that meant the ravaging infections would most likely return. He discussed her case with me and gently brought up that they needed to know her will concerning health care and end-of life saving wishes. I broke down again and said I had the paperwork was in the car and that I would go and get it. He was very nice and told me to take my time, hang in there and that they would do the best they could to help my mom. I thanked him, grabbed my cell phone, and started to walk to the car to get the papers. As soon as I got out the ER door I called Evan and just bawled yet again. I am pretty sure he didn’t understand a word I was saying, but listened patiently, offered comfort and said he would get on the train that afternoon to come back to be there with me. I felt bad asking him to come back from his job, but deep down I knew I needed him here. 
             I can only take the hospital in short bursts, so after I got the directive, I told my mom that I had to go to work and that I would be back later in the day. Of course my employers would have given me the time off, but I told them I needed the distraction. So, for the afternoon I was on duty. However, it was hard to keep from tearing up and staying strong while I had the kids. I think they knew something was up, despite my efforts to appear normal, but they didn’t pester me about it.  
              I got off work very early and headed home to help Evan get the car so he could spend the evening with my mom. I needed sleep and a break. I fielded phone calls from doctors during the afternoon and evening, but it was reassuring to know Evan was there. I went to bed around 8 PM and Evan told me that he had informed the doctors that they should call him if anything happened during the night or if they needed approval for anything. Well, they didn’t get the message because I got calls at 12:30 AM and 3 AM asking for verbal approval for something they needed to do to my mom. I know I sounded so groggy on the phone and don’t even remember what I gave verbal approval for, but I figured at this point, they needed to do what they needed to do to save her.   
         I had to get up very early for work to take the kids to school on Wednesday, but I knew I would be free after that. Sleep definitely helped my spirits. And, fortunately, the kids had a good morning and didn’t test my patience! However, on the way, they were silent in the car as we drove. This NEVER happens, so I am sure they knew I still wasn’t myself. 

I was encumbered by my own thoughts when I heard A. say “I love this song. Can you please turn it up?” I tuned it to what the song was and immediately agreed. It was Kelly Clarkson’s song “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Stand a little taller” and I almost started to cry again as I wanted to shout out the lyrics with Kelly! I knew that if I did the kids would think I really had gone completely nuts, but this song has  now taken on a completely new meaning for me. 
 Watching my mom go through this and being a strength and support for her… really is going to kill me or I know in the end I will come out of it a much stronger, hopefull, faithful individual who can stand a little stronger in the face of trials. It has also helped me realize just what really is important in life. It's love, our relationships with others, the gospel, and keeping an eternal perspective. This doesn't mean we won't experience pain - sometimes excruciating pain - but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And, most of the time we have the choice as to how we will react to that pain... another post to follow. In the meantime - enjoy 

Cuteness!

I am so fortunate to live minutes away from my brother, his wife and their beautiful little girl! Every time I see her, she just makes me smile! She's just about 6 months old, but she knows how to bring on the charm to win over the heart of anyone she meets! 

On Friday I took her in a store with me, and she got SOOO much attention from all of workers and customers! They even gave her a cute stuffed little dog! I wish I could claim her as my own.... except when she has those very stinky diapers :)

She is a very happy little girl (unless she's tired or hungry :) and she just brings so much joy to her parents and those who meet her!

I can't even think about what's going to happen at the end of this month... (they are moving to Boston (of all places!) for my brother's new job. I lived there for 6 years and begged family members to come live near me!) I am going to miss them so much, especially this adorable little girl!

So, when they were over for dinner we took a few shots. Granted, these were taken an hour after she should have gone down for a nap!

 Her beautiful blue eyes! 

And, that smile melts my heart!

 The flash kind of threw her off

 Oh - I just don't want to ever let her go!

 The proud and amazing daddy with his little girl!

 Again, the flash was shocking!

 So cute!!!

I am one proud aunt!

Makes me smile :)

There's really only one show I am a die-hard faithful fan of.

I am at work when it comes on, but I look forward to coming home to watch it. I like it because it really just makes me smile :)  Ellen makes me laugh, I love the random games she plays on her show, and just the "love life" attitude she has.

The show has a positive energy! What's not to love about dancing a little to some good music each and every day. Ellen has mentioned how much she loves to laugh, and I think that is something that helps me get through every day... especially tough, tough days. I've gotta laugh.

Ellen also sends out a message to viewers that we need to treat each other kindly no matter who they are. I love her phrase that she says at the end of her show... almost every one, I think!

"Be Kind to One Another." 

What a great message to be broadcasting to the world. How much more pleasant our world would be if everyone walked around every day with that message in their thoughts.

Ok - Well, today I needed to laugh and this made me laugh. I could watch it over and over.
Recently, she gave this challenge to viewers to  video themselves dancing behind random people...

Enjoy :) Hopefully it will make you smile too!

Lice in Hair?! Nope! Not there!

There's never a dull day at my job, and this Thursday was definitely not an exception. 

I just happened to be finishing up a shopping trip at Target for the family I work for when David calls me to say, "We have a problem." My mind is racing with all the thousands of things it could be. But then he says that the school nurse called and A. has LICE!

U-G-H

Three years ago I helped a family whose kids all had lice at the same time and it was an overwhelming amount of work to get rid of them. Since you never know what they've gotten in to you've got to bag for two weeks (or wash in hot water and dry in HOT temps) all clothes, toys, jackets, pillows, sheets, towels, hats, .... anything and EVERYTHING. Basically your whole house. Then, you have to wash the kids hair with this special shampoo morning and night and nit pick all the lice out. It takes eons of time that no one has! 

But, you've got to do what you got to do right. 

Well, one thing I thought was extra silly was that school policy says the child doesn't have to leave school. (OK - so let's continue to have them in school so they can spread it to others before getting treated?! Whatever)

But, that gave me time to go through Target again and get the lice shampoo as well as new brushes, combs, head stuff, etc for the kids and LOTS of trash bags. Then, I called the housekeeper and broke the news to her. She wasn't feeling well that day and almost cried when I told her what we had to do!
 Then, off to the house where we worked tirelessly trying to get everything washed or bagged before the kids got home. I stuffed the garage full of air tight trash bags! I was exhausted. 

David called a professional lice company and scheduled appts for all the kids for afterschool, so I took them straight there. The goal was for the company to do the first wash and get out as much lice as possible. 

We arrived. The kids sat down in chairs where they were told it would take about an hour so they could choose a movie while getting their hair nit picked! They were happy with that. 5 minutes in to it, the two workers come out to ask me again when the nurse said she saw. I told them. They looked at me and said they'd do a more thorough search, but initial results came back that the kids DIDN'T have lice.

I almost cried

I mean, it is good news. But all that work we had done to now go home and un-do it all! 

For NOTHING!

30 minutes later they came out again and said A. had dandruff. 

No Lice.

UGH

You would think a school nurse could tell the difference. He took me in to see A.'s hair. Even I could tell it wasn't LICE!

Back home we went to unbag.... as I said.... never a dull day! I slept well that night and didn't have fond feelings towards the school nurse. Still don't, actually!

"I can do hard things!"

 This topic has been on my mind recently.

It will come as no surprise to anyone when I say that everyone who lives and breathes on this earth will go through hard times. And what is hard for one, might not be hard for another.

Ever since I was baptized as an 8 year old child, I have read in the scriptures of ancient prophets and peoples going through hard times. I have valued the insights I have read from their experiences. 

Every day in the news I hear about troubles in this world and what some people are dealing with. Or, I've read stories/heard first hand what it was like to experience one trial or another. But, there's nothing like enduring the trial in a very personal way.

As a child growing up, I had parents, church leaders and teachers tell me that I needed to challenge myself and do hard things! Little did I realize then how important this would be for what I would experience later in my life. These simple experiences as a child/youth gave me a desire to endure and succeed no matter what may come. 

I love this picture. 

Anything is possible, right?

 At times, I have felt like the guy in the picture below. I've felt like I've been on top of the world! Like I am the smartest/most clever person to take a step on this earth :) Or, that I am just simply truly amazing... all because I did something that was challenging for me, such as figuring out how to assemble an impossible bookcase or configure a bike rack on the back of a vehicle :) (BOTH of these were done this past year!)

 However, I know that each time I have felt like this, I could not have accomplished it without the help of the Lord. And, this statement below is SO true.

There have been other times in my life when I've just had to endure a hard trial. It's at these times that I REALLY do hard things, but I PRAY EVEN HARDER and ask for strength beyond my own. And, somehow, it's always come.

I, like everyone, can name different periods of my life that have been hard. I've stared up at the peak of the mountain and wondered how the heck I am going to make it to the top - but yet, I always have (although sometimes in better shape than others). 

Up until this point in my life, I would have said that my parents divorce (and the events around it) was the hardest trial I had to endure over an extended period of time.

But, this weekend I realized I have one to top that and I've wondered why this one is harder when it's only been a couple of months and not a couple of years, like the divorce.

I came to the conclusion that why this one is harder is because it's not about me. I am not the one who's really suffering. Instead, I am the one who is at the mercy of doctors, nurses, medical tests, etc. to help someone I love. I am the one who is standing there watching my mom suffer in ways I have personally never seen before in anyone.

I've never had a family member so sick and so weak, without knowing why or what is wrong.

My mom has been my rock my entire life, especially after I moved away from home to college, then to Boston, and then DC. She has been with me every step of the way. And, now, I am the one helping to feed her dinner because her fingers can't grasp the fork, or brushing her hair while she lies in bed so it doesn't get too knotty. I am the one trying to smile and put on a cheerful face when things aren't looking so good.

It's not about me this time... as it really always has been when it comes to my mom. It's never been about her, but it has been, for her, all about her children. 

Now it's about her. 

She hates that.

I also have no control over the situation and it is so hard and so frustrating to see someone I love suffer so much. More tears have been shed at random times over the past few months than I have in years. There have been days when I've woken up praying that things could just go back to the way they were because I wasn't sure I could make it through one more day of it all.

And yet, I have. 

And, I'll continue to do so. 

I am so fortunate to have two wonderful and supportive brothers. I am so grateful for supportive extended family, friends and church family. I am grateful for the opportunities I've had recently to see and learn from others who have gone through similar experiences. I have never been so aware of people who struggle with health problems... people of all ages. My heart goes out to the family members of these individuals as well and the doctors, nurses, and caregivers. It takes a special person to have the patience and skills to care for those suffering from illness.

What has gotten me through every day has been prayer, feeling the Spirit and noticing the tender mercies of the Lord.

And, while I wish my mom did not have to go through this trial, I would not trade anything for the chance to sit by her bedside and be there for her like I know she would be there for me if the roles were reversed.